BREAKING NEWS

FIRST THE TOOMER TREES ARE POISONED, NOW AN AUBURN FAN IS POISONED!

Ricky Joe Stutman, 36, of Auburn, AL, is a lifetime Auburn Tigers sports fan who has not missed a home football or basketball game in almost 20 years. He is noted for his large, 5-foot-10, 400-plus-pound frame and is easily distinguishable at Auburn sporting events.

Last Friday, February 18, on the same day that accused tree poisoner, Harvey Updyke (aka “Al from Dadeville”) was released from the Lee County Detention Center on $50,000 bond, Stutman called into the Paul Finebaum afternoon radio show on WJOX in Birmingham while waiting on line at a Wendy’s drive-thru line.

In his call, Stutman revealed that he has less than six months to live due to what is considered as intentional poisoning via years of ingesting cheap and unhealthy fast food, which is full of known toxins.

Over the weekend, concerned Auburn officials tested Stutman at the campus health center and found that his blood pressure (190/120) and cholesterol (325) were extremely elevated and that he could have a massive heart attack at just about any time.


School officials are doing anything they can to save the lovable Stutman, but the doses of saturated fats and salt, as well as sugar from near-constant drinking of Mountain Dew, is thought to be too much to overcome.

Stutman spent the last two evenings under observation at the East Alabama Medical Center in Opelika.

Charles Barkley, an Auburn alumnus, when hearing of the Auburn fan's plight while at the NBA All-Star Weekend in Los Angeles, took time out on Sunday to give Stutman a call to wish him the best.

The poisoning of one of their most massively recognizable fans has caused many Auburn fans to point the obvious finger at fans of rival Alabama for doing this to Stutman, as half of the state’s fast food workers are Alabama supporters.

However, Auburn police chief, Andrew Sluckis, said that investigators are so far not blaming Alabama fans, as thousands of them appear to have been poisoned, too.


(From SP news services)